When I became a Christian, I did not understand God as Father.  I had no concept of the type of love that God shows us- loving us when we stumble, loving us when we are pig headed and wrong. Always ready to take us back again. Once I became a Father, I started on a journey that helped me understand my Father (God) and how he loves not only me, but every person on the face of the Earth.

Growing up, my father was not at home very much. There were even times that I wished other men were my father. Our relationship did not get much better once he retired from the service and was home full time. I was a young teen then.  He did not know how to be a father and I did not know how to be a son. Our relationship remained contentious until very near the end of his life. Did I start this to condemn my father, NO, but to tell you what I have learned.

When I was older, my father and I finally had a relationship I can only describe as tolerant. We could be in each other’s company a few hours at a time, but then I would leave. I planned trips and visits so that the boys would know the grandfather, but deliberately kept them short. My father and I never discussed the pain I felt growing up and my feelings toward him. Even when he was hospitalized and needed a kidney, I could not feel toward him like a son should. Two years ago, as he lay dying in hospice care- I finally felt a need to make amends- to grant the forgiveness that I know I should have years before. It was too late. As I sat there and talked with him, he could not talk to me. He had already slipped into that place between life and death where he was still here but could not respond. I made my peace with my father in his eulogy. I expressed the things I had admired about him and what he had taught me.  The saddest thing is that he did not get to hear any of it. I did not give him in life the honor and respect that I should have given while he was alive.

My biggest fear as a father is that I would be like my own father and that my sons would grow to just tolerate me. I want to have a deep relationship with each of my boys for all of our lives. Fathers and sons always have a unique relationship. As the son grows into maturity, he wants to control his own destiny- his own life. I as a father need to recognize this and allow that freedom, while still keeping the door open, just as our Heavenly Father does for us. If you have small children, hug them a little tighter today and tell them that you love them. If you have older children call them and let them know of your love. If you have a strained relationship with either your father or your children, decide today you will take the first steps toward healing and forgiveness. Do not wait until it is too late.